Yesterday morning I was feeling mired in the past as I thought about the fact that it was Mariah's birthday and she would've been 30 years old. Where does time go? Anyway, Steve noticed I was down and when I told him why and that I was thinking of getting a helium balloon for her, he brought me $2. The funny thing was that this money was the last of $20 of Momma-don't-know money that he'd been hoarding since our trip to Disneyland this past November!
Anyway, I sat down and wrote a letter to Mariah about all the things that I would've shared with her over the last 18 years, put it into a balloon and had it filled with helium so that I could release it into the sky. I remember doing this once as a family, and LaNita had reminded me of it a few weeks ago. Part of me felt really good about letting that balloon go last night. The other part of me is beginning to realize that I'm letting the past hang onto me. Every year at this time I am pulled down by sadness that she's not here, and I end up grieving all over again. My letter yesterday made me realize that I have never been ready to say good-bye, because that would mean that I really won't see her again in this life. But the gap between the child who lost Mariah and the woman I am now keeps getting wider. There isn't a way to be both and my family needs me in the 'now'. Yesterday I felt like the two were pulling me apart, and I don't know how to just let it go.
5 comments:
If you dont mind me commenting, I know how it is to lose someone close and i remember a special quote that was told to me. "that person is a part of you and that you dont let them go, you let them know. dont worry about feeling down, cause they miss you too. you deserve to be human and your family understands."
The balloon idea, ive done before and i feel that, thats the way I let them know, i hope this helps. Much love from me, take care.
~m
Thanks, Michelle. And of course I don't mind you commenting :) The majority of the year I don't think about it much, but February and March are really hard, and some years are more difficult than others...
Oh, I don't ever think about the fact that you were (are) so much closer to her than I was (am). I'm glad you wrote about how you really felt, because it helps me understand, even if I don't have the same depth of knowledge/feeling. I love you and hope you are able to come to terms with whatever you feel.
P.S. I remember the balloons too, and wish I'd done it this year.
Thanks for sharing...that was a really beautiful thing you did. I hope it will help you to find peace...
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